Fifty-Fourth Post

I found something interesting for all of you to read!



Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

What this says is basically the French are the bad. If you look at the history you can see that Dutch = French, French < italians = Ethiopians. Could this mean Dutch < Ethiopians and David < Amanuel?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Read David's comment, his logic and facts show the truth about almost everything you can think of.

Fifty-Second Post

It is a good idea. Right?

Fifty-First Post

So I was reading the Electronic Gaming Magazine (EGM) and they were talking about the Wii. They did not use the name Wii or or Revolution, but implied that it was called the Revolution. Short post because time is equal to 11:19 PM. Maybe more will come later or so.

Forty-Ninth Post

So I found some interesting links that can tell you how fascist you and your friends are. One link is a personality profile that you can use to judge if a friend or yourself is fascist. The other is a test you take to see if you are fascist.

Read Wikipedia’s Authoritarian Personality here.
Take Test here.

The test rates you and gives you different phrases depending on what you are. I will explain the ones that I think will confuse David (the last one). It says, “Have trouble keeping the lint off your black shirts?” This means that you are fascist or borderline fascist, since fascists have traditionally worn black shirts. I got 4.26666666666666666666666666666666, which is supposed to be normal for someone from the 1950’s. Post what your score is from the test.

(Spell checked by Microsoft Word and spell check did not find anything. Can you find something?)

Forty-Eighth Post

(Giraffs for Africa since this is the main topic of my writing. Let us hope together that these are not the gay ones from witt's article.)

Scrwed over with homework. Grounded from videogames. Can't post. When I can thit is what I do, post.

Nothing much has happened. I am grounded from videogames and teachers have been giving a lot of homework. The only thing of interest that I can think of is some stuff I have read off of wikipedia and what happened Wednesday (the first time I have spelled this work correctly without using google or microsoft word first). There was the African art progect thing and I made Alex suffer for what he did earlier that day. I was supprised that my project actually got there. The pictures (made by my brother) were pretty good. When there Alex and company had to go home, but Jake and Jack (Asian and the only one we really know in Washington) stayed. Jack was mainly walking randomly about with his girlfriend, so Jake and I did the most stuff. We started out by finding a sunday in perfect condition. We almost took it, but then did not. We then played adult mad libs with Riece (probably spelled wrong), Owen, and company. After about an hour the sunday was still there untouched so Jake and I took it. We then saw that part of it was eaten so we gave it to Riece and told him we ate those parts. Like the fools they are, Riece and company ate the tainted dessert. Jake and I then played with the giant chess set until time to go came. I won using my micro and queen only.

Forty-Seventh Post

So, as usual, Steven's party was cool. We played video games until most people arrived then played poker. Peter Kim the lucky won that game. First, David went out by not using strategy, micro, and common sense effectively. He bet everything on a king high or jack high or something high, which is bad if anyone who does not play poker is reading this blog. I think some others may have gone out before me, but I went out by betting eveything when I had a triple seven thing on the flop. Peter was the only one that stayed in and he had a king high (similar to David). When the two last cards came up guess what he had? A bloody triple king! that is about a 1/45 to the second power or 1/2025 chance! Jesus must hate me or something.

So everyone is going to bring money to give Steven on Monday because he bought the pizza with his own money. Don't let Steven read this.

Forty-Sixth Post

Orion's game made me swear. Wait no it did not! I meant donkey!















SOT counts as a real word now! It actually did! Try it here!

Forty-Fifth Post

A furtue statue that will be made of me (I put this on my blog since I could not think of anyting to put on the blog. Also, the statue sort of looks like my grandfather from my mother's side. I went to google images and found this picture. The place I recieved the picture from was a blog. The blog had this interesting link. Here is the blog if anyone wants to scare the blog owner by commenting.)


Sorry I have not been able to post in two days, but I have been constantly working. I will give a schedual of these past two days.

Wednesday: Working at school or Mr. Witt's book report from 7:00 AM to 10:00 PM (15 hours)

Thusday: Working at school or the Mr. Witt's homework or the African Art Project from 5:00 AM to 12:00 AM (19 hours)

So now you know how it is to live as Sai the Great. It is very hard being so good at eveything.


So on a completely different line of thought I am doing moderately well in Morrowind and am going to One Acts today. see some of you there I guess.

Forty-Fourth Post

Charles Darwin














Davis














Charlie(Davis' father)

Oh my bug! They are the same person!

Forty-Thrird Post

(imagine a picture of Mrs. Bonner looking confused with a question mark above her head here since there is no picture on her site and I don't have a digital camera)

Intercom: So tommorrow there will be a walkout to protest the firing of Mr. Stuart.
Mrs. Bonner: There is going to be a walkout? Have you heard about this?
All Students: Yes!
Mrs Bonner: Why have I not heard about this?

Answer: Because you are clueless Mrs. Bonner.

If you have some other reasons why Mrs. Bonner has not heard of the walkout then tell us.



Here is a story

So when I went to my grandfather's house we made cookies using Splenda: No Calorie Sugar (TM). We did this because we always make cookies, but my grandparents are now borderline diabetics so we have to use this fake sugar. The cookies turned out wierd and bad, so I was the only one that ate all of them. Later on though my stomach started to hurt really bad and I thought that I was going to puke for a long time. The moral of the story: fake sugar not only tastes bad, but is bad for you. It may even kill you if you are not a god or have the triforce.

Forty-First Post

(15:53:20) Blitzmoose9: don't use internet explorer
(15:53:29) petey4232: too late
(15:53:39) Blitzmoose9: nnnnnnnooooooooooooooooo!
(15:53:50) Blitzmoose9: get firefox as soon as you can then
(15:54:03) Blitzmoose9: it is far better
(15:54:10) petey4232: no thanks

What a noob.

So on Friday Jake took off his shoe for some reason, so I started to dribble it away from him. I kept doing this until it hit some girl, and I ran away. Jake then took back his shoe.

So yesterday there was Steven's party. It was really cool. There were no videogames played the whole time, but it was good. I brought some ice cream sandwiches and called it icecream, and no one ate them until they knew it was ice cream sandwiches, which is weird. When we arrived, David and Steven went to 7-11 and returned. Later, everyone else, including me, went to 7-11. I took a bike AND WORE A HELMET. No one else wore helmets When I left the bike outside and went in, jack stole it and road away. I was angry and still am, so we are going to have to make a secret alliance and destroy him or make him wet with water or baking soda.
So when we returned home, we played poker, but this did not last long without the betting of mints. We then travelled to outside of Orion's house with some people. We shouted, but he ignored since he had homework us so we called him. We asked him to come outside, but then jack told Orion to stay inside and we were all angry at jack, which is another reason we must get him. On the return home, Steven, the kid that I forgot the name of, and I tried to go back to Steven's house really fast and lose David, jack, Jake, and others. The result was Jake hitting a car. I told him to wear a helmet, but he did not listen. Jake had a blodied hand and a blodied foot as well. The foot was messed up because he wore sandals. We then played poker the rest of the time. In the middle of playing poker I ate one of the ice cream sandwiches, and everyone else started to as well since they discovered that they were ice cream sandwiches instead of ice cream.

The picture of the moose is there because SOME PEOPLE watched a Mariners' game for most of the time we were there.

Fortieth Post

Now they have a handicap button so that people that are disabled somehow (blind, deaf, something else? I don't know.) can comment. What the button does is tell people numbers to type in. This way people do not have to read the word verification. I don't know how this will help though though. If you can not read the word verification, which is about twice as large as regular text, how will you read a post? It does not make sense! If you have an answer then please tell me, for I wish to know. Could the Bonnerthink gene have spread to staff in Blogspot?